Breaking Cycles, Building Legacies: A Conversation with Erica Thomas of Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching
- 2 days ago
- 8 min read
The relationship between a mother and daughter is one of the first places a woman learns who she is, how she relates to others, and how she navigates the world.
While many people recognize the importance of that bond, few stop to consider how it can shape not only one generation, but the generations that follow.
For Erica Thomas, founder of Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching, helping mothers and daughters strengthen their relationship is about far more than resolving conflict.
It's about creating lasting generational change, healing old wounds, and giving future generations of women a stronger foundation from which to thrive.
With more than two decades of experience as a therapist and a deeply personal journey of her own, Erica has dedicated her work to helping women build healthier, more connected relationships that leave a legacy of healing rather than hurt.
We asked Erica to share her journey, the common challenges she sees between mothers and daughters, and why she believes this work has the power to transform families for generations.
What inspired you to start Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching?
Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching was inspired by my own desire to create generational change for women in my own small way, starting with my daughter.
What many mothers and daughters lose sight of in doing mother-daughter work is the powerful impact their relationship has on future generations of women that follow in their wake.
So, I make sure I remind them of this—that they are doing something greater than themselves in healing their mother-daughter relationship.
It is through our mother-daughter relationships that we can heal patterns and make impactful shifts that shorten the learning curve for women and lessen the amount of pain they have to experience in order to learn the same life lessons.
When our daughters learn lessons in this way, they have room to live life in ways that allow them to become the more evolved versions of ourselves.
Will they avoid hard lessons? No. But it allows them to build upon an already strong base, so they achieve whatever they set out to do in life much more optimally. I’ve personally lived this story.
The women before me (my mom and my maternal grandmother) each made changes in their own lives to make it better for the next generation. Those shifts allowed each generation of women to live a better life in certain ways.
And I will always be grateful to them for that because of their relentless courage to change things for the next generation of women, I can now exist in this space where I can do this work with other mothers and daughters.
Unfortunately, some patterns in our mother-daughter history did not change and perpetuated intergenerational trauma, emotional and physical pain, and mental health struggles for me, my mother and my grandmother.
When I found out I was going to have a daughter after having my two sons, I felt a sense of urgency to make sure the cycles of pain ended once and for all with me. So, I entered years of therapy to intentionally heal unresolved mother-daughter wounds, which allowed me to parent my daughter differently.
Because of that, we’ve enjoyed a healthy relationship, and we’ve remained close even through her teen years. I’m inspired by her every day.
She’s the more evolved version of myself and that’s exactly what I wanted for her. She is able to navigate the world much more confidently in ways that I was never able to do at her age. She is one of my favorite people!
The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most formative (if not the most formative) relationship in a woman’s life because mothers create the foundation for their daughters on how they navigate life, this world, and themselves as women.
Through my mother, I learned so many good things, but I also learned things that affected how I navigated life, myself, and this world, including how I stepped into adulthood as a woman.
So, the blueprint that we inherit from our mother-daughter histories really matters.
The healthier that blueprint is, the more confident a woman is able to navigate everything much more confidently, grounded, and with wiser discernment.
This rang true for my story, but it also rang true for the women who would come to see me because they were stuck in life.
Over the 22 years as a therapist, I saw how their getting stuck in life was connected, in varying degrees, to the unhealthy blueprint that they inherited from their mother-daughter histories.
It affected how they parented, how they showed up in their relationships, and how they showed up for themselves in this world.
What are the most common challenges you see between mothers and daughters?
Some of the most common challenges I see between mothers and daughters are them getting stuck in a cycle of conflict, impasse, and disconnection based on:
1) mothers leaning too much on their daughters for emotional support for adult issues at an age too young for a child to hold that responsibility for an adult. Daughter grows resentful of this and distances herself as an act of self-preservation, so she doesn’t fall into that role that also caused her a lot of hurt;
2) for mother-adult daughter pairs—it’s mothers not understanding that they no longer have to parent their daughters past a certain age. Mothers not learning how to shed their motherly role in ways that appropriate so it causes them to overstep in ways that feel invasive or disrespectful, even when the daughter who has proven herself to be self-sufficient and capable of doing life well;
3) mothers fearing that their daughters are going to cut them off for any small misstep and fearing that their daughters will go “no contact” with them;
4) a gross misunderstanding of the adolescent developmental stage that creates increased friction in the mother-daughter relationship when the daughter is in her adolescent stage (age 12-24); and
5) mothers and daughters fighting to be right. Not hearing each other’s points of view and fighting to prove themselves right.
What is one misconception people have about repairing strained mother-daughter relationships?
A common misconception is that repairing strained mother-daughter relationships will mean no more fighting.
Mother-daughter work is not about learning how to avoid conflict, it is about learning how to navigate themselves, each other, and their conflict in ways that allows them to maintain and even deepen the connection.
Can you share a success story or breakthrough moment that has stayed with you?
There are so many moments, but there was one in particular that stuck with me. It was with a mother and adult daughter who was in her 20s. Mom went through some very painful moments in her marriage when her daughter was a teenager.
Mom had views of her daughter being very easy-going and also felt that they were close. Daughter felt that same closeness but admitted that sometimes her mother leaning on her to talk about her marriage problems was too much for her to handle.
However, she didn’t say anything to her because she saw how it helped her mom and that felt important to her. She saw her mom in a lot of pain, so she put her own needs on the backburner for her mom’s comfort.
In that session, mom finally realized how blinded she was by her own pain, that she didn’t see what that was doing to her daughter. Mom finally understanding, acknowledging her daughter’s pain and her heartfelt apology with no excuses, that really led to the pinnacle healing moment in their mother-daughter work.
There are many others like this. It is moments like these that remind me how much beauty there is in mother-daughter work.
What advice would you give to someone who wants to improve their relationship with their mother or daughter but doesn't know where to start?
I would advise them to have an open, honest, and loving conversation with their mother or daughter first about their desires to improve their relationship. The conversation should be one that focuses on their connection and not each other’s shortcomings.
Conversations like that sway in the negative way and will not cause any mother or daughter to want to work on their relationship. If their mother or daughter is open to it, wonderful! Then they can start looking together.
However, if mother or daughter are not open to it, they should know that they can still work on that relationship on their own. I offer programs both for mother-daughter pairs and for mothers and daughters doing the work on their own.
Mother-daughter work is hard work. I’m always very open about this when prospective clients inquire about my services.
However, what I also share is that if they come to sessions equally invested in their willingness to do the work with an open heart, an open mind, and staying focused on their connection rather than trying to fulfill their own agendas, then they can do this work well and find success in it.
Another thing that I also make it a point to share is that just by doing this work, they will not only work on their relationship and do legacy-building work, but they will inevitably gain a deeper understanding of themselves as women.
This component is also an important part of enjoying a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Mother-daughter work is the gift that keeps on giving in such impactful, positive ways.
What do you hope women take away from working with you?
Aside from the repair and reconnection, I hope they take away that the mother-daughter relationship is a POWERFUL way to create generational change with the women who follow us. And you don’t have to be a mother or a mother with a daughter to do this work and create this change.
The fact is that we, women, are all daughters of mothers, so we all have a mother-daughter history that we bring forth into anything we do and anywhere we are. When a woman begins to understand her mother-daughter history, she can begin to choose what continues and what changes.
This work is not just about mothers and daughters. It is about how women learn to become women. Every woman carries a story, and when she begins to understand it, she creates room for something new.
Also, there are so many changes that still need to happen for women to be equals in society, but if we are courageous enough to do the deep work of addressing our mother-daughter wounds, we can learn to exist in this world in a much more healed and empowered way.
And it is only then, that we can wholeheartedly teach our daughters and the other women in our lives how to exist in life in the same healed and empowered way. When we, as women get that, we will then start to move the mark much more significantly towards change in gender equality.
Creating a Healthier Legacy
Erica's message is a powerful reminder that healing doesn't begin with perfection. It begins with a willingness to understand, to listen, and to choose a different path.
Whether you're a mother hoping to strengthen your relationship with your daughter, a daughter seeking to better understand your own story, or a woman simply looking to break unhealthy patterns, Erica believes meaningful change is possible.
Every step toward healing creates an opportunity to leave a healthier legacy for the women who come after us.
To learn more about Erica Thomas and Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching, connect with her online and discover how her programs are helping mothers, daughters, and women create stronger relationships and lasting generational change.
Website link: https://vitanovamotherdaughtercoaching.com
Social Media:
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/ericagthomas
Facebook: Vita Nova Mother-Daughter Coaching-Official https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61567955365851&sk=about
